I'm not sure what made me decide to write in this again after 4 years? Maybe it's the fact that it's a Friday night and I'm home, bored out of my mind. Or maybe it's the fact I have a lot on my mind, and feel like letting everything off my chest.

 My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer wednesday. I was devistated. The doctor's believe they have caught it early enough, but it's still unsure if it has traveled to her lympnoids or not. She has a doctors appt. tommorow and another one on Monday. The one tommorow will test to see if there are any other spots, and Monday I'm really not sure. They'll know more when they go in for surgery. I know my mom is a fighter, and that if it's in the early stages, and hasn't traveled to her lymphnoids there's really nothing to worry about. It's still really scary though. To hear the word cancer, and mom in the same sentence is enough to send me into a worry.

 I'm trying to stay strong for my family. They really need me right now. I've been acting as the mom for my brother the last few days. Taking him where he needs to be, making sure he's fed and what not. He's capable of taking care of himself, but he tends to react to news the same way I do. We both lock up and shut down when something major is going on. I just feel like I'm holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know I have to stay strong, but it's really hard. Seeing my Dad take it the way he is, hear the pain my mom is going through and her reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I'm on the verge of tears every minute. I feel terrible, I love my family, I love being home. But right now, it's all so overwhelming, I just want to escape back to the dorm, where I can deal with all of this at a safe emotional distance. But  I'm stronger then that, I have to be. Not just for myself, but everyone around me.

 I have amazing friends and family, that are helping me through the best they can. It's just hard for me to talk about it with everyone. In all honesty, I don't want to talk about it and if I do, I'll come to them. I know they're just concerned, but it almost makes it harder, knowing they're scared too, and yet they're trying to console me. I don't need consoling, I can take care of myself.

 On top of this, I also found out my dad will be laid off indefinitely at the end of March. Which scares me with my mom's current need for medical care. Not only that, I feel as though I'm going to be a financial burden to my parents. Yes, I'm a spoiled brat who still has Mommy and Daddy pay for almost everything. They pay my cell phone bill, they pay my care insurance, infact my dad still randomly fills my car up for me. I appreciate it, I really do. But if My dad is laid off for who knows how long, they shouldn't have to pay my bills. I work at a SuperMarket when I have long breaks from school, but right now I don't have the money to pay for car insurance and a phone bill. With 16 credit hours, it's hard to squeeze in a job and maintain good grades at the same time. I have to figure something out, I need to help my parent's out anyway I can.

 Needless to say, things are just overwhelming lately. There is al ot to think about and a lot to deal with. I'm rediscovering faith, in my own weird way. I need to believe in something, to believe everything will be okay. All I can do is pray, right?

yeah, it's been a while
honestly, i just dont feel like updating this anymore
no one ever comments, my playlist took a shit, haha yeahhhh
so nothings new really, just goin to school and whatnot
can't wait till x-mas break, you know how i do.
jackie turns sweet 16 in 8 daaaayyyysss

&

9 days till my big bro jps is out!